Building Trust: Talking to Your Child About Hard Topics
I didn't know what to say so I didn’t say anything. I have heard this phrase so many times from parents when it comes to telling their child difficult news. It can feel overwhelming to tell a child something that might bring up hard feelings. The truth is, we can’t stop hard things from happening. We can help empower our kids with a narrative that helps them cope with this news. We can teach them that, as their parent or caregiver, you will be honest even when it’s hard. Your child can trust you.
When I first became a child life specialist, I remember feeling so incredibly uncomfortable telling a child something hard was coming. It felt like I was the one going to implode their world. How could I be the one who is here to play, but also the one here to explain something difficult? I then learned why it’s important. I learned I wasn’t imploding their world, but offering them a chance to develop skills to deal with hard things that come their way. I learned this built trust.
I cannot tell you how many kids I have prepared for surgery only to find out their parents told them nothing about what was happening. There have been situations where parents told their kids they were going shopping, but instead arrived in the waiting room for surgery. This happened more than you would think. I have also seen so many families facing a difficult diagnosis and they don’t want to tell their child. Parents want to protect their child so they don’t tell them. It can be feel unbearable to tell a child someone they love so much is sick or died. I get it. I’m a mother too and feel protective of my own children. However, we owe it to our children to be honest even when honesty feels so hard or when we know there will be a big reaction. We get to help our kids create their narrative of what is going on in their story and help them tell a story of perseverance.
I also want to let parents in on a secret that I learned after years of working as a child life specialist. There is no perfect way to deliver hard news. There is no perfect way to tell a child that a parent has a cancer diagnosis or a loved one died. Kids need the grown ups in their life to know that they want to know. They want to understand. They want to be given the chance to cope with the hard news.
Do you have hard news to deliver to your child? Again there is no perfect way, but here are some tips to help you:
If possible, avoid bedtime and/or right before you are getting ready to leave for an additional activity. Make sure there is enough time for questions and thoughts about the news.
Be open to your child’s questions and do not be afraid to answer with “I don’t know” or “we can find out that answer together.”
Create a jar or a box where kids can write their thoughts, concerns, or questions to put in the box. You can then answer or respond to these thoughts and questions as they come.
You do not have to deliver the news alone. Have a friend, family member, or another trusted adult present, if needed.
Save some time for something fun when you are done. Maybe that is going on a family walk or playing a game. Pick something that offers a time to connect.
Need extra help? I am here to support you and your family. Please reach out at Bridgetobravery@gmail.com to schedule a time to connect.